GET A FUCKING LIFE!!!
I ACTUALLY THOUGHT MY (CURRENT) LIFE WAS PRETTY PATHETIC, BUT Y'ALL GOT ME BEAT! DO YOU NOT HAVE BETTER SHIT TO DO THAN TO MIND OUR BUSINESS FOR US???
It has been recently brought to my attention that I should watch my P's and Q's. My recent blog post about my mom coming for a visit and taking me and a group of people out for dinner and a cabaret show seems to paint a picture that Lenya and I are having too much fun these days, considering our "conditions". And it seems to be raising a few eyebrows down at the Gradys. Oh, *NOW* y'all give a damn? Sure you do. Maybe you should think about kissing my big fat white ass.
For those (few) of you who didn't know... I have been struggling with an ongoing worker's comp case with Grady EMS that stems from an on duty injury that occurred in February of 2005. I was the unfortunate recipient of the typical back injury many EMS providers experience at some point in their career. This has been an open and ongoing case, complete with regularly scheduled ortho appointments, and "pain management". The idea of "resolution" to my ortho was to torture me with epidurals of anti-inflammatory steroids. He is by far **NOT** a gentle and patient man, especially when jamming a fucking needle into my spine. NO MAS, boys and girls.
The condition has never been HEALED or resolved. I worked in pain EVERY SINGLE DAY on the truck, because my ortho's idea of "treating" the problem was just to prescribe more narcotics. Band-Aid on a bullet wound! Lemmie get this right. As a medical provider, who drives an ambulance and makes life or death decisions... I was "supposed" to be doing my job under the influence of narcotics? I don't fucking think so. Would you want your granny's Paramedic to be doped up while treating her stroke, cardiac arrest, COPD? Didn't think so. Besides... it's against Grady's drug policy.
I had to fight with my ortho to have a regimen of non-narcotic agents that would soothe my pain enough to do my job. Notice I said soothe, not alleviate. That regimen included Ultram, Lido-Derm patches, and Neurontin. The combination of those three medications throughout my shift made my pain a 4-5 of 10, and I had no choice but to tolerate that, because I had to make a living. I had to pay my car note, mortgage, utilities, and other costs of living.
And while we are discussing my diagnosis and treatment for these three plus years... I have always been told by my panel approved ortho (not my choice physician!) that I have a "back strain", "sciatica", and that my pain comes from "inflammation of the soft tissues in my lower back". So I am assuming that is what he has based his course of therapy on. **FOR THREE FUCKING YEARS**??? Nay, nay. There is more.
This spring and summer, I experienced an unprovoked exacerbation of my pain. Interesting, seeing as there is no new injury or re-injury. My argument all along has been that there has to be more to this. Seems as though I was right. I went back to Dr. Passive, my ortho and practically had to beg him for re-evaluation of my case. He reluctantly ordered new x-rays (displayed in a previous post), and a new MRI. The results directed him to refer me to a SURGEON. I needed a surgeon for a "back strain"?
Upon my first appointment with Dr. Surgeon, his first impression of the MRI report is to start discussion of SPINAL FUSION. His reasoning is that my "HERNIATIONS" are worse. Herniations? Huh? What? Yeah... apparently my first MRI in 2005 showed them, and Dr. Passive chose to ignore that fact. That dumb ass never told me I had disk herniations. I don't feel like he ever treated me for herniations. And right back on the ambulance I went. I don't think that was an informed decision, now that I look back on it. In 2005, I was in a position to be able to request a reassignment and/or return to school.
So now that all you are up to speed....
The rest of this post is not in anyway meant to be inflammatory to that SMALL handful of our friends (and I can literally name 4 or 5 of you) who have called to check on us, offered to help us out, or offered words of care and concern. We love you all. And you all know the real story. You know how bad things really are for us.
But you see, I worked at Grady EMS for 8 years, and accumulated a bunch of "friends" none of whom have yet to ONCE call me since I RESIGNED from Grady last year. Not a single one has called since hearing that I might have to have spinal surgery.... YEAH -- THIS IS FOR YOU.
This post is my response for those gossipy, goody-goody ass-fucks, and other "haters" out there, who *THINK* they know what's up. Let me give you a peek into my daily life...
I typically wake up every morning at 6 or maybe 7 with excruciating back pain. Those narcotics I shunned for three years are now a disgusting regimen in my daily life. I have no qualms about telling you all what I take: 7.5mg hydrocodone, 50mg ultram, 350mg Soma, and 900mg of Neurontin... most of which are three times a day, along with the Lidoderm patches. I have no choice but to take them if I want to be able to get out of bed, bathe myself, go to the toilet by myself, dress myself, cook, or otherwise accomplish the basic functions of daily life. I can't do my own laundry very well, because I am unable to lift a load of laundry in a basket and carry it to the laundry room. There are days where I can't rise from bed or a sitting position without my back locking up and my legs collapsing from the pain.
I have spent over three months as a shut in, locked in my home, struggling to function. My excursions are limited to brief errands like going to the post office. Grocery shopping lands me in the bed for upwards of 24 hours. The last few times I went I was reduced to using the freaking electric wheelchair cart.
When it does happen that I can suppress my pain enough to enjoy going somewhere...
We don't have the money to do anything.
Apparently ONE night out at my mother's invitation -and expense- means we "party" too much. Gawd almighty!!! ONE FUCKING NIGHT OUT??? The first night when someone has even invited us to go somewhere. The first night someone offered to take us. The first night someone offered to pay. JESUS CHRIST!!! YOU JUDGEMENTAL BASTARDS! You try living boxed up in a residential prison for three months and see how fucking fast you jump on that offer!!!
First let me thank Margie, for giving us $20 so we could get in, and my mom for driving down from Rome, during a gas shortage, to pick us up and take us to a show THEY wanted to go to.
But I suppose it is more proper to decline, continue to sit at home, and ponder how long you would have to stow up your narcs and how many it would take to just end your pathetic existence. Yeah, well... I'm tired of being miserable. I'm tired of being sick and tired. So the next time someone asks us to go somewhere, by-gawd we're going. I might even try to have a good time too! I will be sure to take more pictures and blog about that too.
I HAVE NOTHING TO FUCKING HIDE!!!
THE ONE WHO IS HIDING IS THE COWARDICE BASTARD WHO DON'T STAND IN MY FACE AND SAY THIS SHIT!!! YOU COME TO MY HOME AND SEE HOW I LIVE AND THEN - AND ONLY THEN - DO YOU EVER HAVE THE RIGHT TO JUDGE HOW I LIVE MY LIFE!!!
As far as finances go... I will break that down for you nosey bastards as well. I have been written out of work on "light duty" since July 14. Grady hasn't accommodated light duty orders for over a year. So they are supposed to pay anyway. Legally, no employer has to recognize duty restrictions on someone else's workers comp case. And since this case is under Grady... yeah. Do the math. I have not received one penny in salary compensation thus far. To date... that's going on 13 weeks, at $500 per week in workers comp (not what I could make if I were able to get on a truck and make overtime). 13 weeks at $500 is $6500. $6500 would go a long way these days.
Here is a break down of our most basic monthly expenses:
Jeep Payment $500
Honda Payment $225
Car Insurance $275
Cable / Internet $75
Credit Card minimums $200
Pet supplies $30
That don't include toiletries, laundry supplies, household items like toilet paper!!!
Lenya brings in $2000 a month. That leaves us $950 short now doesn't it? That might be why we don't have our rent money for October. Ya think?
I have burned through my savings during the first two months of being off work, just trying to make ends meet. So needless to day THINGS ARE GOING UN-PAID. My vehicle WILL be repo'd. My insurance WILL cancel. My credit cards ARE in default. The cell phone is always running a month past due. Our cable and Internet have been turned off a couple of times. We are certainly not eating three nutritious meals a day. We can't afford to go out to the movies, or anywhere else for that matter. Our entertainment consists of TV or watching old DVD's bought long ago, maybe going to the park once a week.
BUT UNDERSTAND THIS... WE ARE MOST CERTAINLY **NOT** LIVING A LIFE OF LUXURY.
I have applied for over 100 jobs in the last couple of months that I thought would not interfere with my "duty restrictions" and that I could perform with a Paramedic's "education and experience". I have applied for countless Medical Assistant positions and receptionist positions in physician's offices, clerical jobs, dispatch jobs... whatever. This is not a case of not wanting to work. Believe me. I want to work. What I really want is to be able to pay my fucking bills and not have to go on government assistance. And not have someone put a noose around my neck controlling my money (or lack there-of).
SO FOR ALL YOU BUSY-BODIES OUT THERE THAT *THINK* YOU KNOW WHAT OUR LIFE HAS BEEN LIKE... THAT IT IS SOME GRAND LUXURIOUS VACATION, LACKING WORRY, LACKING RESPONSIBILITY... YOU'RE DEAD FUCKING WRONG. IF YOU WERE SO GOD-DAMNED CONCERNED ABOUT US - YOU'D PICK UP A FUCKING PHONE AND ASK. AND IF YOU ACTUALLY TOOK THE TIME TO ASK... YOU MIGHT FEEL A LITTLE BETTER ABOUT YOUR OWN "MISERABLE" LIVES.
YOU MIGHT JUST BE A LITTLE THANKFUL FOR THAT JOB AT GRADY YOU CONSTANTLY BITCH ABOUT... YOU MIGHT BE THANKFUL TO HAVE A FRIDGE FULL OF HEALTHY FOOD... YOU MIGHT BE THANKFUL THAT THE ONLY THING YOU COULD CATCH TO EAT ON YOUR SHIFT WAS WAFFLE HOUSE... YOU MIGHT BE THANKFUL THAT YOU CAN GIVE YOUR KIDS MONEY TO GO TO THE MOVIES THIS WEEKEND... YOU MIGHT BE THANKFUL THAT YOU HAVE A CAR AND ARE MAKING THE PAYMENTS ON IT... YOU MIGHT BE THANKFUL THAT YOUR RENT OR MORTGAGE IS PAID ON TIME, AND YOU AREN'T WORRIED ABOUT WHERE YOU WILL LIVE IF YOU DO LOOSE YOUR HOME... AND YOU MIGHT BE THANKFUL THAT YOU HAVE FRIENDS THAT CARE ABOUT YOU TODAY - BECAUSE I PROMISE YOU -- TOMORROW THEY MIGHT NOT REMEMBER YOUR PATHETIC NAME!!!
SO FOR ALL YOU WHO WANT TO SIT IN YOUR IVORY TOWERS AND JUDGE ME LIKE YOU KNOW ME...
FUCK YOU!!! GO TO HELL.
AND KISS MY FAT WHITE HONKY DYKE ASS!!!
**SEND YOUR PRIVATE INVESTIGATORS. KICK OFF YOUR INQUISITION. QUESTION OUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, AND NEIGHBORS. I'M BEGGING YOU TO DO IT. MAYBE THEN YOU WILL SEE WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN **BLIND** TO, AND YOU ALL WILL GET OFF YOUR SORRY APATHETIC ASSES AND DO RIGHT BY US.**
IT SUCKS WHEN SO VERY MUCH OF YOUR LIFE IS COMPLETELY BEYOND YOUR CONTROL. AND THOSE WHO ARE WIELDING CONTROL DON'T CARE IF YOU EAT OR STARVE, GO HOMELESS, LIVE OR DIE.
AND FOR THOSE OF YOU HOLDING THOSE REINS.... YEAH, FUCK Y'ALL TOO.